St Pauli Player Profiles
Chief Trainer - EWALD LIENEN
According to his picture has a bit of the twinkly Ray Houghton's about him mixed in with Bradley Walsh and Niles Crane. Played for Bielefeld and Moenchengladbach in several spells in his youth and had had more clubs as manager than Jack Nicklaus. Did OK last season keeping St Pauli up. Can he build on that to give them mid-table breathing room?
Goalkeepers
1 PHILIPP HEERWAGEN - Mr Wagon according to Google translate Phil managed a few games when the other Phil got injured
30 ROBIN HIMMELMANN - That's more like it, our Robin looks a lot more chipper. Looks a bit Aussie and has a lovely floppy Surfer Dude fringe. Even got some game when there was the great goalkeeping crisis last year
33 SVEND BRODERSEN - new boy Svend looks a little perplexed and wary in his picture where it looks like he has enormous hands but a tiny head
Defence
3 LASSE SOBIECH - named after a remarkable dog Mr S rejoins St Pauli this year and has had a varied career in places such as Dortmund and Furth. Even at SV Hamburg for a while but we won't hold that against him
4 PHILIPP ZIEREIS - Anyone with a Z in their name is alright by me. Well over 6' Big Phil is a product of Regensburg and Schwarzhofen but as he was only born in 1993 (heavens, I was at Uni. And I worked for 4 year beforehand!!) Looks like a hard tackle would make him cry. And we're only 5 players in and 3 have been called Philipp!
15 DANIEL BUBALLA - with a name like that I was expecting a big powerhouse Cameroonian. What we have is someone who looks like Freddy Flintoff if he played for Preston in 1985
16 MARC HURNSCHUH - new boy without so much as a picture to give me something to write about. But as he was born in 1991 he's no youth player
17 DAVIDSON DROBO-EMPEN - now there's a name from the past. Dave has played here before surely
26 SOREN GONTHER - One for the ladeez. Soren has bit of the David Beckham's about him with smoky come-hither eyes, mixed in with a hint of rough, Sean Bean style. Had played for KSV Baunatal, KSV Hessen Kassel, VfB Schrecksbach and Jahn Treysa none of which I have ever heard of. Although Paderborn does appear as well. Which is nice
27 JAN-PHILIPP KALLA - His nickname of Schnecke translates as snail. Ah, bless, although that doesn't suggest he's got much in the way of pace. Looks like Peter Whittingham's 11 year-old brother. Is doing something funny with his face in the picture. I think it's meant to be a smile
34 ANDREJ STARTSEV - young Andrej was in the St Pauli youth set up and had some time at Langenhagen and given a first team squad place last year. In his photo he looks like he's about to burp
Midfield
7 BERND NEHRIG - to be honest there's not a lot I can say about Bernd. He's played for a lot of so-so teams like Furth, Unterhaching, Steinheim and, his one big club, Stuttgart. He looks like Philipp Ziereis' twin brother. Spooky
8 JEREMY DUDZIAK - a chipper chap just signed for St Pauli (I think from the youth team).
10 CHRISTOPHER BUCHTMANN - Chris here has a bit of a smirk on his photo. The fact that he was on Liverpool's books probably gave him that cheeky swagger. Just watch your hubcaps
11 MARC RZATKOWSKI - I'm glad I don't have to say his name in commentary. Previously played for Bochum, who I've heard of, and Langendreer, who I haven't. The fact that he's been given No. 11 shows that he was probably signed for the 1st Team. Bears remarkable similarity to Tintin. Quiffs seem to be in this year
13 RYO MIYAICHI - good capture of ex-Arsenal midfielder and Japanese international. Shame they changed his profile picture as the previous one made him look bizarrely like a Pokémon character
19 ENIS ALUSHI - don't know why he hasn't a profile already as he played a lot last year. Been around a bit has our Enis, Kaiserslautern, Paderborn, Koln and others and looks like one of those Euro-gangsters you get in the Bourne films
25 DENIS ROSIN - Newbie who looks very pleased with himself in a cheery, no-cares-in-the-world type of way. Who can blame him, young and blond and playing for St Pauli so life is good. Looks about 9
28 WALDEMAR SOBOTA - arrived last year on loan and now re-signed for another year. Good stuff as he was solid and fitted into the team really well right from the start. Looks like Gareth Bale would if he was a Danish techno DJ. Looks a likeable chap
29 SEBASTIAN MAIER - Bought from 1860 Munich but wasn't playing when we saw them against Cottbus. Thank heavens as they were rubbish! Done well since he's arrived despite his picture looking like it was ripped from a Panini sticker album in 1984
31 MAURICE JEROME LITKA - new addition to the squad up from the youth team (with a spell at Wandsetel to toughen him up). Doesn't look the strongest chap but clearly knows how to fight having been brought up with the name Maurice. Looks like he should be singing harmonies in a boy band
36 OKAN KURT - has his name the wrong way round. Newly installed in the first team and looks like a cheerier version of Cristiano Ronaldo
37 KYOUNG ROK-CHOI - Korean new guy who was eased into the occasional squad last season. Looks a happy little soul. Again looks about 9. Born in 1995. Sheesh. I've got coats older than that.
40 ARMANDO COOPER - Panamanian striker who arrived last year and yet to make much of an impact. Has a future playing buddy movies with Martin Lawrence with a name like that
Strikers
12 JOHN VERHOEK - St Pauli sign a player who isn't German. Johnny is Dutch and has quite a bit of experience having played for FSV Frankfurt, Den Haag (twice), Dordrecht, Den Bosch and Stade Rennes. How cosmopolitan. In last year's photo he lookseda bit scary like he's had a previous career as an underworld hitman but he's got a smashing broad smile in this year's in an attempt to distract you as he screws the silencer onto his unmarked Beretta
18 LENNART THY - What kind of name is Lennart Thy? Is trying to grow a bit of stubble and arrived from Viktoria Frechen, which sounds like a feminine hygiene product which presumably involves a pessary. But I'm being flippant, he had a decent season last year
24 NICO EMPEN - New young striker who looks like Wayne Rooney's younger brother and incredibly even more scally. Looks like if you shook hands with him you'd have to check for your watch. Born in 1996. I'd left University by then. And I'd had 4 years at work beforehand. I'm getting old
JEREMY DUDZIAK
MARC HORNSCHUH
FABRICE-JEAN PICAULT
According to his picture has a bit of the twinkly Ray Houghton's about him mixed in with Bradley Walsh and Niles Crane. Played for Bielefeld and Moenchengladbach in several spells in his youth and had had more clubs as manager than Jack Nicklaus. Did OK last season keeping St Pauli up. Can he build on that to give them mid-table breathing room?
Goalkeepers
1 PHILIPP HEERWAGEN - Mr Wagon according to Google translate Phil managed a few games when the other Phil got injured
30 ROBIN HIMMELMANN - That's more like it, our Robin looks a lot more chipper. Looks a bit Aussie and has a lovely floppy Surfer Dude fringe. Even got some game when there was the great goalkeeping crisis last year
33 SVEND BRODERSEN - new boy Svend looks a little perplexed and wary in his picture where it looks like he has enormous hands but a tiny head
Defence
3 LASSE SOBIECH - named after a remarkable dog Mr S rejoins St Pauli this year and has had a varied career in places such as Dortmund and Furth. Even at SV Hamburg for a while but we won't hold that against him
4 PHILIPP ZIEREIS - Anyone with a Z in their name is alright by me. Well over 6' Big Phil is a product of Regensburg and Schwarzhofen but as he was only born in 1993 (heavens, I was at Uni. And I worked for 4 year beforehand!!) Looks like a hard tackle would make him cry. And we're only 5 players in and 3 have been called Philipp!
15 DANIEL BUBALLA - with a name like that I was expecting a big powerhouse Cameroonian. What we have is someone who looks like Freddy Flintoff if he played for Preston in 1985
16 MARC HURNSCHUH - new boy without so much as a picture to give me something to write about. But as he was born in 1991 he's no youth player
17 DAVIDSON DROBO-EMPEN - now there's a name from the past. Dave has played here before surely
26 SOREN GONTHER - One for the ladeez. Soren has bit of the David Beckham's about him with smoky come-hither eyes, mixed in with a hint of rough, Sean Bean style. Had played for KSV Baunatal, KSV Hessen Kassel, VfB Schrecksbach and Jahn Treysa none of which I have ever heard of. Although Paderborn does appear as well. Which is nice
27 JAN-PHILIPP KALLA - His nickname of Schnecke translates as snail. Ah, bless, although that doesn't suggest he's got much in the way of pace. Looks like Peter Whittingham's 11 year-old brother. Is doing something funny with his face in the picture. I think it's meant to be a smile
34 ANDREJ STARTSEV - young Andrej was in the St Pauli youth set up and had some time at Langenhagen and given a first team squad place last year. In his photo he looks like he's about to burp
Midfield
7 BERND NEHRIG - to be honest there's not a lot I can say about Bernd. He's played for a lot of so-so teams like Furth, Unterhaching, Steinheim and, his one big club, Stuttgart. He looks like Philipp Ziereis' twin brother. Spooky
8 JEREMY DUDZIAK - a chipper chap just signed for St Pauli (I think from the youth team).
10 CHRISTOPHER BUCHTMANN - Chris here has a bit of a smirk on his photo. The fact that he was on Liverpool's books probably gave him that cheeky swagger. Just watch your hubcaps
11 MARC RZATKOWSKI - I'm glad I don't have to say his name in commentary. Previously played for Bochum, who I've heard of, and Langendreer, who I haven't. The fact that he's been given No. 11 shows that he was probably signed for the 1st Team. Bears remarkable similarity to Tintin. Quiffs seem to be in this year
13 RYO MIYAICHI - good capture of ex-Arsenal midfielder and Japanese international. Shame they changed his profile picture as the previous one made him look bizarrely like a Pokémon character
19 ENIS ALUSHI - don't know why he hasn't a profile already as he played a lot last year. Been around a bit has our Enis, Kaiserslautern, Paderborn, Koln and others and looks like one of those Euro-gangsters you get in the Bourne films
25 DENIS ROSIN - Newbie who looks very pleased with himself in a cheery, no-cares-in-the-world type of way. Who can blame him, young and blond and playing for St Pauli so life is good. Looks about 9
28 WALDEMAR SOBOTA - arrived last year on loan and now re-signed for another year. Good stuff as he was solid and fitted into the team really well right from the start. Looks like Gareth Bale would if he was a Danish techno DJ. Looks a likeable chap
29 SEBASTIAN MAIER - Bought from 1860 Munich but wasn't playing when we saw them against Cottbus. Thank heavens as they were rubbish! Done well since he's arrived despite his picture looking like it was ripped from a Panini sticker album in 1984
31 MAURICE JEROME LITKA - new addition to the squad up from the youth team (with a spell at Wandsetel to toughen him up). Doesn't look the strongest chap but clearly knows how to fight having been brought up with the name Maurice. Looks like he should be singing harmonies in a boy band
36 OKAN KURT - has his name the wrong way round. Newly installed in the first team and looks like a cheerier version of Cristiano Ronaldo
37 KYOUNG ROK-CHOI - Korean new guy who was eased into the occasional squad last season. Looks a happy little soul. Again looks about 9. Born in 1995. Sheesh. I've got coats older than that.
40 ARMANDO COOPER - Panamanian striker who arrived last year and yet to make much of an impact. Has a future playing buddy movies with Martin Lawrence with a name like that
Strikers
12 JOHN VERHOEK - St Pauli sign a player who isn't German. Johnny is Dutch and has quite a bit of experience having played for FSV Frankfurt, Den Haag (twice), Dordrecht, Den Bosch and Stade Rennes. How cosmopolitan. In last year's photo he lookseda bit scary like he's had a previous career as an underworld hitman but he's got a smashing broad smile in this year's in an attempt to distract you as he screws the silencer onto his unmarked Beretta
18 LENNART THY - What kind of name is Lennart Thy? Is trying to grow a bit of stubble and arrived from Viktoria Frechen, which sounds like a feminine hygiene product which presumably involves a pessary. But I'm being flippant, he had a decent season last year
24 NICO EMPEN - New young striker who looks like Wayne Rooney's younger brother and incredibly even more scally. Looks like if you shook hands with him you'd have to check for your watch. Born in 1996. I'd left University by then. And I'd had 4 years at work beforehand. I'm getting old
JEREMY DUDZIAK
MARC HORNSCHUH
FABRICE-JEAN PICAULT
